Ariana Grande Apologizes 14 Times In YouTube Video, Have You Forgiven Her Yet?

Jul 10, 2015 at 3:31 pm |

The last 72 hours have not been kind to Ariana Grande. Aside from having dental surgery and three of her wisdom teeth popped out, the pop icon also received the biggest backlash from the American people that she’s seen since the start of her career. What did she do? She licked some donuts that weren’t hers. Oh yes, and she also said “I hate Americans. I hate America.” (whoopsie!) while she was unknowingly being videotaped during a visit to the donut shop with her back-up dancer boyfriend.

While most 22-year-olds might get a small slap on the wrists by the authorities for the poor behavior if they were caught licking donuts and slamming the nation, Ariana has received an entire country in revolt, just shy of us chasing after her with pitchforks and torches.

Americans hate to be told their country sucks, so when one of our biggest, youngest pop-culture celebrities gives us the middle finger, we’re ready to pull her down from her golden pedestal by her ponytail.

Ariana’s initial apology wasn’t quite good enough for us. Instead shooting straight for the ‘tears, guilt & sorrow’ routine that may have offered immediate absolution, Ariana tried to justify her words and actions by giving them context and then flipping her apology into a PSA for childhood obesity. Because she saw some oversized donuts, it inspired her frustration with America’s weight problem — a legitimate response, but not an apology. “As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole,” Ariana wrote in the third sentence of her apology. “The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me.”

Wrong move, Ariana. After you tell us you hate us, you can’t follow up by telling us we’re fat too. You can’t apologize and win at the same time. Perhaps if she’d just paid attention to Brian Williams as he tried to explain himself out of his political pickle last fall, she would’ve known that the path of justification means destruction.

The people revolted further. Ariana panicked. And now she’s knocking on our door once more, bearing roses and a hefty supply of crocodile tears. In her latest address to the nation (with a halo of light surrounding her perfectly straightened hair) Ariana apologized over a dozen times for the unconscionable actions that she committed that day in the donut shop, except for licking the donuts.

The video seems to be working. We feel bad for her because of her puffy cheeks, she tells us how great we look and, at the end, that she loves us. So we kiss and make up, and start humming the tune to “Love Me Harder” again.

Ariana grande has definitely learned a lesson in how to handle the emotionally wayward beast that is the American people when they’re being taunted and provoked by the media. Of COURSE we all know Ariana didn’t mean that she actually hated all Americans or ‘Murica. Of course the rest of us have all made a flippant comment that would sound ghastly out of context, and perhaps we’ve licked a donut or two. And we’ve all been 22. So let’s give Ariana a break.

Maybe America needs a strong takeaway from this little tiff too. We should realize that when the media has blown a story out of proportion (hello, this just arrived to us from TMZ) and when our investment in the moral compass of a 22-year-old pop star who is just trying to become an adult while living inside a dysmorphic fame-bubble, that we should take it easy.

So, everyone take a big breath and resume your adoration. Now Ariana Grande can return to being the shining pro-American celebrity that we love, but you can bet that behind closed doors she’s still probably tonguing donuts.

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How has this situation gotten so big? Watch her latest apology video.